I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
