I cannot find my penis.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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