i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
