so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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