i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
