god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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