He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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