I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
