I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
