her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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