being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
