I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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