I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
