If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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