Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If I die, sorry about rent.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
