I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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