before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
