My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
