I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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