When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
