Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
