i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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