New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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