honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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