I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
