six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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