I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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