I am in a vortex of obligation.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
