She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
