operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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