i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My ass is underappreciated
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
