Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
