he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
