is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
