if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
