there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
