Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
