omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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