I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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