Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
