I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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