I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
