i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My life is pants optional.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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