why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
