i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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