So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
