bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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