I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
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