if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My ATM looks so different sober.
You took a bar mat shot.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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