Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
3pm strippers are depressing
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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