I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
